Good Grief

This is my second attempt at writing this post. My first attempt led me down Peanuts (aka Snoopy & Friends) & See’s Candies rabbit holes, more on that later. Because I would much rather think and write about Snoopy and chocolate than grief. But let’s do this. There has been a lot of talk about grief these days. I know it is a downer, I know it is the holidays, and I know most of us are yearning for some shred of uplifting news or escapist content to cheer us up. Believe me, I wouldn’t be talking about this if I didn’t feel its importance so strongly. Grief has been kicking my ass lately and I’ve benefited from reading and listening to helpful content. So I want to continue that dialogue here in the hope that it helps someone else.

So, Good grief? Is that really a thing?  If you are like me you immediately see and hear Charlie Brown. Or maybe you have a relative that uses that phrase. Well, I turned to the dictionary.com for some initial clarification, “Good grief is the go-to expression of frustration in the world of Peanuts. We know that grief is a “cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow,” so how can that be good, Charlie? If Marcie was on the case, the 33rd definition (of good) could be cited: “fairly large or great.” A large distress.” Ah, so big grief. Yup, that sounds about right. The holidays already stir-up grief for many of us and now with the pandemic we are dealing with a really shitty double whammy. That is a lot of grief, that is Good Grief!

We are all grieving a lot of losses, the worst being the loss of loved ones, then there is more loss, of homes, jobs, time with family and friends, and food insecurity. It is hard to talk about all of these losses and then turn to what, in comparison, feels like a trivial loss. I’m talking about the loss of experiences and traditions. My son is six years old, right smack dab in the midst of the most magical time of childhood. There are experiences he is missing out on due to the pandemic and this is a singularity. He won’t be in this same place in his life and development next year. It sucks. I’m grieving for and with him all the magical holiday things he isn’t getting to do this year. And yes, I’m aware that things could be way worse, and that many people wish they were only grieving such things. But that does not invalidate the reality that kids are having a very different holiday season and so are the grown-ups. And yes, we are doing our best to still give him the opportunities for fun and even magical experiences this holiday season.  But we need to call it out, acknowledge the things, big and small, that aren’t happening because it all contributes to the grief we are feeling.

At Christmastime every year my Mom would put a two pound box of See’s Candies on the coffee table. That was the official start of Christmas in our home. It was the classic assortment box, both milk and dark chocolates, nuts & chews, and soft centers. This is not an ad for See’s, well not a paid ad, lol. Yes, I love See’s Candy, but what I love most is the memory of my family sharing a box over the course of a few days. During the hustle and bustle and also during the cozy quiet moments there the box sat in it’s prominent position in the center of the coffee table.

The main decision to be made was when the paper wrapping was going to come off the box. That call was made by my mom, it was an unspoken rule. She decided when our Christmas festivities would begin and it was marked by the removal of the red wrapping paper. Once that was removed there really were no rules, it was all fair game and all went down from picking-out your favorite first, negotiating, and yes by day three there were half eaten pieces. To be clear there were no bad pieces only favorites and preferences. So if one of us bit into a piece and realized it wasn’t one of our favorites we would place the other half in the box. It wasn’t until I was grown that I realized this was kind of gross, well not kind of gross, it was gross. But not to us, we didn’t throw it away because we knew someone else would like it and we were a small close knit family. There were four of us usually at our home, myself, my parents, and my grandma. If you are still grossed-out well sorry not sorry. I guess if there was a rule it would be no calling dibs, snooze you loose. And sometimes you would find your favorite piece, maybe you missed it, left after a couple of days, knowing someone else left it for you. That’s love.

My grandma died thirteen years ago and my parents both died last year. I miss them, a lot. They were all flawed dysfunctional people and I miss them, a lot. I miss the sound of them riffling through empty paper wrappers in the box of See’s. I miss my mom, who never cooked or baked but felt she made-up for that when she proudly put that box of See’s on the coffee table once a year. I miss hearing my grandma’s Okie accent saying, “Darlin, see if you can find me a brittle in that box and hand it to me.” I miss seeing my Dad hunched over the box riffling around for the piece he wanted. I fucking miss them, a lot.

Just as my family of origin has been on my mind so much lately so have some of the traditions I have helped form with my current family and friends. Every year for the last several years I have hosted a cookie decorating party. This was just as much for me and my friends (who also happen to be moms) as for our kids. Before the party I prep the sugar cookie and gingerbread men dough. I set a place for everyone with an array of icing, sprinkles, and other decorations all in the middle of the table. We sip on hot chocolate, talk, and laugh. And when it is done we hug each other goodbye, that is the part I miss the most, the hugging. Sure, there will be other cookie decorating parties in the future. And again, it is not (by far) one of the biggest losses of the year. But it reminds me of the things I miss most, human connection, physical touch, being in a room with my friends.

It is hard to end this post about grieving because it is ongoing, especially now. I have watched and listened to some content over the past couple of weeks that has been helpful and after going down a couple of rabbit holes mentioned above I’ve complied a list.

Nicole’s Random (but hopefully helpful) Good Grief Resource List:

1. Finding the Good in Our Grief with Charlie Brown: This is an article by Tom Purcell, which I stumbled on when I found the cartoon above. Both the article and the cartoon (by Daryl Cagle) really speak to this topic and to what a bummer it is that “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is no longer airing on broadcast television. Here is the link to the article – https://www.cagle.com/tom-purcell/2020/12/finding-the-good-in-our-grief-with-charlie-brown
2. Edit Your Life Podcast: This is one of my favorite podcasts and they recently had an episode about grief. Christine Koh and Asha Dornfest do a great job of talking about grief during the holidays especially in the context of the pandemic.  Here is a link to the episode – http://www.edityourlifeshow.com/holiday-grief-joy/
3. Good Grief: I googled “good grief” and found this wonderful organization. “Good Grief builds resilience in children, strengthens families, and empowers communities to grow from loss and adversity.” On the homepage there is a TEDx talk by the founder Joe Primo, definitely worth watching. There are a lot of really helpful grief resources. If you are feeling a lot right now I would encourage you to do your own google search to find an organization that speaks to you and can help. https://good-grief.org/
4. Peanuts: I had to pop over to the Peanuts website with all of this “Good Grief” talk and I found some sweetness that I want to share. Check-out their “Take-Care” page for a few good reminders. And if you have kids or are still a big kid yourself explore the website for more fun stuff like coloring pages, how to watch Peanuts movies, and they even have lesson plans for kids! Either way, if you are a Peanuts fan and want a dose of feel good, take a look. https://www.peanuts.com/take-care/about
5. See’s Candies: At one point I was going to ditch my grief post and do an “I Love See’s Candies” post. The first See’s Candies store opened in my home town almost 100 years ago. BTW, going to a See’s Candies store was also part of my childhood experience. Hello free sample! So I geeked-out for a while in researching more about See’s Candies. Here is the link so if you too want to dive deep you can. Check-out their about us and fun facts pages for more 411 on See’s. Here is one fun fact, “See’s Los Angeles candy kitchen played a starring role in the hilarious I Love Lucy “Job Switching” episode.” You know, the one where Lucy and Ethel try to keep up with the candy conveyor belt. LOL https://www.sees.com/

xo,