Hold On, Let Me Overthink This

Yep, that’s what my shirt says. It’s what I do. I like to think of myself in recovery, overthinkers anonymous. Hopefully that’s true, because this shit is getting old and so am I, well older.😉

Let me invite you into my mind. Yes, there are some dark and scary places but don’t worry, we aren’t going into those rooms in this post. It’s okay, it’s safe, and there is cake. Yes cake! There is always cake in/on my mind. My favorite is white cake with white frosting, but if that isn’t your favorite then just imagine a slice of your favorite cake and have a seat.

I just got back from a walk. It helped clear my mind enough to be able to write this, because otherwise I am often in a state of mental paralysis. Prime example, I have been thinking about writing this post for four months now. Yep, four months. That is when this photo above was taken of me. I needed new headshots so I booked a photoshoot with a photographer right before COVID hit. We postponed until we knew what was happening, when we could reschedule, etc. Well that was plenty to get my mind into overthinking mode. And yes, for me overthinking and procrastination are BFFs. Several months later I finally booked it. An outdoor photoshoot, photographer masked, a lovely setting and me in this very truthful shirt.

The photographer’s name is Christina and I had been wanting to work with her for a while (link to her website below). I am not a fan of getting my photo taken (hello understatement alert). More on that in another post, that will take us into another room in my mind (body image issues, eating disorder, bad photo experiences) and I want to get through this while we are still enjoying our slice of mind cake. I told Christina beforehand about my photophobia. She made me feel comfortable before and during the session. She even got me to get out of my head for a few moments during the photoshoot (of course I can tell which photos those are, the best ones). Huge progress, it was like photoshoot therapy. All praise to Christina.

Then I get the photos back and I love them. Christina’s talent and ability to work with my nervous awkwardness produced great photos. The four months it took me to post them had zero to do with the photos. Again the body image issues aside (for now) I was overthinking everything from the holidays, my content calendar, and timing around current events. Each one of those occupying a lot of mental space, living rent free and playing loud music at all hours of the day and night.

The biggie, taking up the most mental space, was the content of this post. I knew what I wanted to say, which was really more of a declaration. Hello, my name is Nicole and I’m an overthinker. I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Let’s talk about it. But how do I first explain what overthinking, real overthinking, is like? Will anyone care? Will me sharing this help anyone else? And the question that really moved me into action was, Will posting this help me? Yes, I do believe it will. The main reason being that I feel this is one of the early dominos that needs to fall in order to write about this and many other topics I want to delve into here on my blog.

On the bad days I hate being an overthinker, it affects all aspects of my life including my relationships. I try to wish it away, beat myself up, and am not the friend I need to be for myself. On the good days I affectionately tease myself, embrace it and am gentle with myself around it. Being an overthinker is such a part of who I am, like being tall, an only child, a Scorpio, and a lover of cake!

This post was about the mental gymnastics I went through to post these photos. It was an easy example for me to share. Overthinking affects my life on the daily. Big things, little things, and the things in between, I overthink all of it. But it is getting better, thanks to several tools I use. If you can relate let me know, either privately (email or DM) or in the comments below. You are not alone. And now that I’ve broken this tab here on my blog I intend to post more about this topic. Overthinking is one manifestation of my anxiety. I’ll be talking about other anxiety issues and things that I have found helpful.

Until next time, thank you for reading this post and for enjoying a slice of cake with me.

xo,
Nicole

Photos by Christina Best Photography