Paperwork and Grief

Have you seen those lovely pics of a cup of tea/coffee sitting on a table or bed tray with candles, leaves, pumpkins, and perhaps a journal or good book? It is the kind of pic that you just want to dive into and become part of that cozy scene. Well this is my version of that this morning, but it isn’t cozy and you definitely don’t want to dive in. I stopped to look at the scene that was in front of me, it kind of looked like one of those pics…cup of tea in a cute fall mug, pumpkins, candles…but instead of a journal or a good book I had documents and forms. Among them my mom’s death certificate and a myriad of forms from social security and state retirement. This is not meant to garner sympathy but rather to continue the conversation about death and grief.

We tend to talk about the emotional loss, and usually just immediately after the death happens. What I don’t hear a lot of discussion about is all the work that is involved in the death of a family member. It could seem insignificant to talk about compared to the grief and feelings of loss, but for me it is connected.

I’ve been checking the mailbox everyday for the last couple of weeks for my Mom’s death certificate so I can complete several forms and processes. It sucks, waiting for my mom’s death certificate sucks, having to find all the information required for the forms (this morning I was digging around trying to find the date of my parents divorce), waiting on hold for (collectively) hours to ask questions, and on and on. I’m writing this post while I’m sitting in the Social Security office waiting area for the third time this month

Beyond the tediousness of all the work that needs to be done each time I have to do another task it is rife with emotion…pain, anger, sadness, frustration, loss. Sometimes I can drop into “get it done” mode and the emotion doesn’t surface. But sometimes it’s like walking into a minefield, you don’t realize that your next step could lead to an explosion.

Yes, the probate and paperwork part of the death process sucks, but what can we do to help ourselves and others around it? I would love to hear your thoughts, experiences, etc. in the comments below.

xo,

Nicole